Upheaval

Yaaay! The draft is over! It's amazing how relieved everyone is about that, no matter how things worked out for them. The weight of the wait has been lifted, the dust has settled, and emotions are returning to normal levels. I thought a lifetime of auditions would prepare me for draft, but this was unlike anything I've ever done before.

First off, no I did not get drafted, but that's ok. Really, it is. I remember how hard and scary training team practices were when I first started, and I know that as we get ramped up for the home season, the home team practices are going to get more like those first training team practices were. While I know now that I can handle it, I'd rather go into it feeling more prepared. I know I still have a long way to go in my training, and I'd rather join a home team when I've improved more. So next draft, look out!

Really, the hardest part of this has been seeing how upset my other non-drafted teammates have been. I've gotten so close to these girls over the last 8 months, that it's hard to see them hurting. But, as the league says, we're going to rub some dirt in it and get back on the track. We're going out to dinner Friday to re-group and get our heads on straight. There are only 5 of us left. We start regular practices on Sunday with the new girls, which will be an interesting experience. It will be good to get back to basics of form and strength. You can never practice these things enough, and they can only make you a better skater. It will be odd, though, to start over with a new group of people.

My focal points, this time around are strength, and form. Bring on the lunges and supermans, the one foot crossovers, the wall sits, and the sticky skate exercises! I'm going to be a derby machine.

Draft Day

::cue ominous music::
It's finally here. It's draft day. It is an uncomfortable feeling. I know that all over the city and suburbs my friends and teammates are going through their day with the same nervous, upset stomach, the same lack of ability to concentrate, and the same fear of a nuclear emotional meltdown. Especially the girls who have been waiting the longest to be drafted. I think we've all made lists of who we expect to be taken, thought about what teams will take which people. We all think about the teams we'd like to be on, and how great it would be to get that phone call tonight. I'm also really starting to wonder how I will react when I don't get a call. Some of the people I skate with seem more invested in getting one than I am. I'm trying to remain calm and realistic. Notice I said trying.

In other news, I actually passed agility last night!! For real this time, I swear. I did my five laps in 50.3 seconds, which was deemed passing. I feel like I really figured some things out during the test, too. When I heard I passed, I started bawling with happiness. It's strange, in my life, I've done so many auditions that resulted in parts in shows, and I've won awards for various endeavors, but I think this is what I'm most proud of. I worked so damn hard on my form, my strength, and my mental process, and I was stuck in a rut for so long, that this really feels like the biggest accomplishment I've achieved. That may sound silly, but I think I value it so much because in no way does it come easily. And to have my teammates there cheering and giving me hugs was such an amazing feeling. I know I will feel that little bit better about myself going in to whatever comes next, be it home team practices or further farm team training. Overcoming a developmental plateau helps put things in perspective.

As for the blocking test I was so certain I'd pass, I did not. The circumstances of the test were very different from the last actual test, and the previous practice tests we'd done, and I let that throw me off enough that I didn't do as well as I should have. Hopefully for the next test, I'll be so prepared that any unforeseen changes won't phase me at all. I've come to realize that when I'm being tested for something, there will always be an aspect of the day, the test, or something, that isn't ideal. I will have a cramp in my leg, or things won't be at the speed I'm accustomed to, or I'll just be having an off day. The point of our training isn't to have a perfect test, it's to train us for roller derby. For having people smashing into you, falling in front of you, grabbing you and throwing you off balance, of skating while you feel tired and sore, and being able to put all that aside and do what needs to be done. From now on, I need to not look back at a test I don't pass and not say, "Oh, but that wasn't my fault because x was happening." In a bout, it doesn’t matter what outside thing is going on. You play, and you play your best.

Wheeeee!

I actually got to skate for much of a home team practice last night! I had to sit out whenever they did blocking drills, but any time they did things that didn't include blocking, they were quick to get me back out on the floor. It was wonderful! Not only is this team friendly and welcoming, but they've got some incredibly cool and interesting women. We worked on some things I definitely need to work more on. I've really got to get my plow stop stronger, for one thing! It was so nice to be able to participate, especially with people who were genuinely glad to have us there. Even the parts I couldn't skate during, I still learned a lot just from watching. Having watched 3 practices now, it's interesting to see how the different teams operate. Even when they're working on the same drill, there's a different approach.


Also, I'm thinking I should have no problem passing my blocking test Sunday. I worked really hard to get the step leading into a hip or body check that I was missing last week. I got to practice it with the lovely lady who gave me my test originally, and it went MUCH better. As long as I don't let nerves get to me Sunday, it should go really well. This means that I'll be able to attend home team practices and participate the whole time. I cannot wait for this to happen! As much as I've learned watching, it will be so much better being able to get out there in the thick of things. I'm finding there are a lot of things in derby that don't completely click in your head till you actually do them. Hopefully I can attend a lot of team practices to help me prepare for the next draft, and because I love them.


It really struck me last night as I was sitting there watching the practice with an idiot grin on my face, just how happy derby, and my part in it, make me.

Revelation

I went to watch my first home team practices last night. And while I was sitting there wishing I was on skates, the heavens opened, and the distant sounds of a heavenly choir wafted down through the sweat humidity. I am ready. Or rather, If I get drafted, I will be ready very soon. I will not be terrified, I will not feel inferior, and I will not be a liability. Not for long anyway. I realized I could actually keep up with these practices. You do not have to be some kind of radioactive-infused super being to be on a home team. The home team players are amazing, dedicated, hard working women. I work hard, I am dedicated. I know it may seem silly, dear non-existent reader, but I feel like it just finally sank in that a.) these women are not gods, just really cool, and b.) I really am going to be one of them. It's possible, it's within reach. While I always knew this intellectually, watching the practice really brought it home in a new way.

Also, several of my teammates attended the home team practices last night. I was just bursting with pride in them. They looked great! There were obviously times where people found a specific drill or move challenging, but they stuck in there, gave it there all, and were GREAT! I realize how far we've come from our first practice 6 months ago, and the distance left to go seems manageable. This makes me happy.

And, now that I actually want to be drafted, I am thinking it's just not going to happen. The home teams have specifically asked certain people to attend their practices, and have expressed interest in other ways. This has not happened to me. It makes me a little sad, but I'll be so much more ready when the next draft comes around, I'll have to focus on that.

One Second

Think about how long one second is. It took more time than that to write that sentence. That one second should ever be an issue outside of someone who works in bomb disarming seems ridiculous, doesn't it? But it is. I am still, STILL, one second away from passing agility. I'm getting frustrated, which I know I have to sublimate into something more productive, but the reason I'm frustrated is that I've been one second away for weeks now. Not being able to shave off even one second is wearing on me. It seems so small and insignificant. When I skate those 5 laps, I feel like I'm going as fast as I can without falling down. This is definitely a leg strength issue, so at least I know what I can do to improve, now I just have to do it!

I think I can pass blocking on Sunday, but if I pass blocking without passing agility, I still can't go to league practices! I really don't want to get stuck in a rut. I have to find a way to get to speed practices, I just have to. I really want to get cleared for everything so that I can get to those league practices. With as hard as it is for me to get out to the burbs for classes, it'd be amazing to just take two buses to the space for everything. Also, it would be a great chance to work with my league-mates and get to know everyone, and teams, better. I'm at the point where I feel like I'm about to progress a lot, and I'm impatient for it to happen. Perhaps because I feel so much closer to my goals now, they are right in front of me!

While practicing at the rink last night, I got to meet a lot of the new girls. It was great to see them all so excited and happy. They seem like a great group of women, and it will be fun to skate with them, if I don't get drafted. And with the draft only 6 days away now, I'm realizing that a growing part of me DOES want to get drafted, and for many reasons. It would be nice to have the validation, and to have things settled. It would be nice to be trained by my new team in the methods that they use. It would also be nice not to feel like the last kid picked in gym class. So yes, if I am not drafted, I may shed a few tears, or feel some disappointment. I didn't think I would. I guess that desire to be found worthy is stronger than reason and logic.

Preparations

Tryouts tomorrow! Our coaches told us it's ok to have a weak area, just make sure everything else is great, which was good to hear. We were also told that instead of having to do the whole tryout along with 27 hopefuls, we are just going to spend the first half hour skating for the captains, have a very brief interview, then we get to go. The thing that makes me the most nervous about skating for the captains is having to show them my stops, which are not strong. ESPECIALLY the turn stop. Still. I think my plow stop is at least coming along nicely, finally. The hockey stop is still beyond me. I'd like to go out to a skating rink tonight to work on my turn stops. We'll see if I can get a way out there and back.

I also had an injury assessment last night, and found out that I had sprained my left knee and elbow at some point without realizing it. How odd! Our pt told me to work on strengthening my knee. Luckily, I'm already in a strength training class, which I have again today. One step closer to being a derby machine.

Among everything else going on today, I've also got a street teaming event at a Whole Foods store. We're to come dressed 80's style. This means that I just spent WAY to much money at Claire's getting accessories to my outfit. Oh well, I am going to look VERY 80's. It should be fun. We're also each getting paid $15, which is all going to be donated to Tequila Mockingbird. That's definitely happy. Though I know $200 would be just a drop in the bucket for her, at least we can help a little.

In which I get stupidly stressed out

I found out yesterday that there are 27 people trying out on Saturday. This number blows my mind! All my not-quite-so-latent-as-I-thought insecurities are coming back full blown into an inferno of self doubt. What if they're all better than me? What if my captains wake up one day, look at everyone else, look at me, and say "We don't know what we were thinking. Why don't you try shuffleboard instead?" All these ridiculous thoughts are chasing around in my head like my cat on catnip. I know that these fears are un-founded, I know my captains believe in me, and I know that I'm making progress I can be proud of. So what is my problem? If I had readers, now would be the time I'd ask them to commiserate with me about times they let their insecurities run rampant.

One of the ways I'm working to improve my skating and confidence is by improving my muscles. I'm taking a really intense gym class that focuses on strength training. I was assigned the heaviest weights out of the other women there. I'm using 15 pound weights, and could do more reps than almost anyone else there. It's so strange! My muscles are definitely feeling it, even two days later, but it's such a great feeling! The aching lets me know that what I'm doing is having a real impact. I'm actually beginning to enjoy the process of working out, too. When I'm drenched in sweat, muscles twitching from exertion, I'm happy. I'm tangibly working towards my goals.

I think I'm still adjusting to the idea of myself as an athlete. I still have trouble with the concept that I belong there with these amazing, tough, ballsy women. But you know what? I do.

Determination

I was fortunate enough to watch my league win Regionals last night. Seeing all the amazing women who played this weekend really brought home again for me why I'm doing this, and strengthened my resolve to keep pushing myself even harder to progress. To this end, I've been lifting hand weights the last few days, and signed up for an 8 week class at the gym at work that looks pretty intense. I'm also really trying to eat and hydrate better. I still have a really long way to go before I'm ready to be drafted and to bout, but doing all these things will help shorten that time, and make me more prepared when the time comes.

Another thing I want to focus on is mental toughness and general sports psychology. I've already learned a bit about mental toughness from practice. There have been times where I wanted to stop whatever we were doing so much I didn't know if I could stand it anymore. I figure knowing more about what's going through my head as I experience these things will help me process everything better, and to know when I really am giving everything I have, and when I just think I am.

I'm excited to see the payoff for all these things, and proud of myself for sticking through everything.

So much going on!

I have to try out again on the 18th. Ugh. I don't know why this seems like such a big deal. We all do, everyone on the training team. It shouldn't be as big a deal, I'm so much stronger, and so much more sure on my skates. I'm not afraid of not making it back on the team, because I know my coaches are really happy with my progress. I just don't wanna! Oh well. At least it's going to be interesting to see all the new people try out.

One aspect of this that I'm not looking forward to is our physical trainer coming back to every practice to torture us for half an hour. Though that, too, should be WAY easier than it was when I was a noob. I know what to expect, and how long to expect it for. This time, I KNOW I can endure!

We've been told that after tryouts there will be a draft. Of course, this has caused quite the stir. Everyone is thinking about which of the 4 home teams they'd like to be on, wondering if they'll get drafted at all, and how they'll take it if they don't. One thing that has been emphasized to us is that we may not understand the draft picks. Of course, every team has a different personality, and different things they're looking for in a skater. I know I'm in the minority when I say I don't think I am ready to be drafted yet! Of course, I'd be honored to be picked, but really, I think I need more time to improve my skills before I'm ready for the "big girl" team practices. I've had a harder time with derby than a lot of my teammates, and I will need more time to be ready to move on than most of them. I am completely ok with this. I am proud of my progress, and excited about the progress I'll make as I go forward. That's enough for right now!

The other major thing happening right now is Uproar on the Lakeshore, the championships. As the marketing secretary for my league, we're ridiculously busy with this. We've got ads, postcards, fliers, and website stuff to work on, coordinating to be done with our subcommittees, and meetings to attend. Yikes!

And, just because I'm not busy enough, I think I'll take a class at my work's gym. I'm gonna be buff!

What it means to be fresh meat

When you're getting ready to try out for a team, you have such focus, clear goals, and drive. Once you make the training team, everything is different. The practices are harder than you could have imagined, you are told that you need to practice 5 million different skills, and you start noticing how so many people on the team with you look like they were born on skates. This was, at least, my experience.

For a long time after I started team practices, my body was in shock. I had never done anything really athletic before. My body didn't know how to handle the strange new things I was making it do. We would start every practice with half an hour of floor exercises. Half an hour, no big deal, right?? OHH no. During this half hour, which felt like eons, I was in a constant battle with my body not to give up. We did planks, pushups, crunches, suicides, squats, wall sits, and pretty much anything else you can think of. This lasted about two months. I've always thought this was the part where they try to intimidate us into quitting. As painful and scary as it was, it had a wonderful effect on my body, and showed me that I was tough enough to endure. Then the second phase started. We started really focusing on skills. Everything from pace lines, to falling, to whips and pushes, to pack skating, and now, finally, to blocking.

One of the tests we have to pass in our league is agility. This consists of doing 40 line jumps in 30 seconds, 14 slaloms in 30 seconds, and the traditional 5 laps, but in 50 seconds. I passed the slaloms first, but was way off on line jumps, and 4 seconds away from the speed requirement. Luckily, my league is awesome, and offered plyometrics and strength training classes. A few weeks later, I was able to pass line jumps. Finally, I was one second over on laps. On Sunday, I passed. I was so proud I started to tear up. I think of all the things I've improved on, and how drastically. I think of how hard everything was, and how much I had to push myself. Then I think of how far I have yet to go.

To me, being fresh meat is learning your boundaries, and pushing them. It's learning what you're capable of, and learning how to work and how to think. I know so much more about myself now than I did when I started this adventure. I am so much stronger than I ever thought possible.